Sunday, July 24, 2005

The Life... A Part

How would you manage yourself if you want something really special but no matter what you do or did, it doesn't seem to get any closer to you? You keep emotions to yourself. Hate. That after you realise this, there's no more hope or anything... That you are hopeless, faithless... lose everything you need necessary for this close-to-dream achievement... but still failed... Pity... yet you seem to look so happy on the outside... How did you manage such surge of hatred inside of you from being exposed to the public? Really? Does the strength of one's self matters on how long you could keep such emotions from bursting out?


It's been so hard even though I thought only of it... Losing it in my imagination may seem to be as close as nightmares, like those of my childhood nights... But I know there is hope, even just a little... Holding onto it, my arms bleed, heart aches... I hope someone hears me before I let go of the little patience that I have... Nobody did... I was very lonely... All alone in the dark room of silence... I thought I was blind and deaf... It was all my imagination... I wish that everything were my imagination until tomorrow. But that seem to be impossible for it will only remove myself from reality that I am very lonely tonight... 'til tomorrow... No one will never notice this loneliness of mine... No one except me.

I won't forget those days when I was all alone by myself. Those times that I'm thinking of what kind of a person I am to everyone are the hard part of it. I even imagined that I was more brutal than any villian made from the comics history. Damn! I wasn't even proud of myself. I thought of wasting my time by getting some fun moments from my friends. That wasn't enough to ease the pain... Nothing changes... It's still the same... Happy? NOT! Lonely? Yes...

Getting-to-Know-Each-Other Stage:

I was a trainee developer at one company last year. It was my On-the-Job Training during my last three months at college. The office was quite fine for me. People were not so nice during my first weeks. They were busy. I predicted that I will be like them for the coming months, so I understand each of them. I was not mistaken. I had my own working station or terminal, and it will be my handle until I finish those 300 hours of hard work and concentration just to have the what I called "achivement." I got more than what I expected.

It was already evening when I reveal myself, my problems, my hates, my fears... I thought it was a long evening... I wish... I felt that there was no tomorrow after what had happen to me for the past few months... It's really a nightmare... I can't believe this is happening to me! Please stop!!! I'm crying out loud now!!! Do I always have to be like this? Everyday???

Well, I guess I just only need to accept the fact that it will always come back again, and again... That hurtings, those crying moments, reminisced by the only memories that I have left from the past. Sad but true.

No matter how hard I try, I will just have to kill myself first for it to be gone by tomorrow. But then, this one lady got something, should I say a "spark" of hope, for someone so lonely like no other, me. The first glance for me was the sweetest, the most memorable, and the most unforgettable time of my life. It's like she was reaching out to me from my dark world. She was not afraid of me, and me to her. Our eyes meet at one point and another. We had so much to tell about.

I won't forget these first's that I felt from her. It's quite something from a little something. In return, I want her to be treated "special." So special that I think my heart is as if falling again and again. I decided that I shouldn't let her go. So I tried finding a way to not let her go, and I did... I acted as quickly as possible to have her in my life.

I first sent her a simple quotation through a text message to her mobile phone. The message was this:

What would you say if I tell you I Love you? Would you stay? Or would you go away? Would you say "I love you too"? Or would you just be a friend? Either way, I'll still love you no matter what you choose.

I didn't say this personally cause I don't know what might be the outcome if my feelings will be known to her. I was afraid. However, courage has stroke in me once again. I felt happy and afraid at the same time. I don't know what will she say after she reads my message. I was worried. Being like this is the one I never felt before. Hard though, but I know I can survive this. I just know I can. I have faith, hope, possibly, even love.

And then, we had happy moments to reminisce on for the next few years. The way we looked at each other, talked to each other, it make sense. My feelings for her start to grow, fonder, and glow. I can clearly see now. It was a beautiful place wherever I may be. The view was perfect, that no one could ever go in a place like this, except me and her. We were sharing thoughts, ideas, plans, things and everything. We share the view, a glimpse, of our future. With these memories, I shall never forget our times, our feelings for each other...

To be continued...